A New Life - Part 1

It's been quite some time since I've mentally been able to sit down and add anything, but I'm going to attempt it now.

So much has happened since Pete's death that I hardly know where to begin. Time seems to have compressed and twisted but I will try to give a chronologically correct version of the events that have unfolded. It was sometime in July/August while Bruce and I were camping out in Pennsylvania that I received a call from Gina. She and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for some time and she was scheduled to begin some fertility pre-treatments the following week in preparation for surgery in September. When she asked if I was sitting down I had a very odd feeling, premonition perhaps, that she was going to tell me that she was pregnant. That's exactly what happened.

There were many challenges for Gina, particularly emotional ones, during the course of her pregnancy, and being separated by 3,000 miles made it very difficult for both of us. She was hoping for a girl so was very disappointed and even angry when given the news that she was carrying a boy. It was especially difficult for both of us when some well-intentioned people would, with crass insensitivity, say how wonderful that we could look forward to having a child to take the place of Pete. Fortunately, those people were few in number.

I flew out to California in the fall for a week and Gina flew back to New Jersey during her winter break. It was during her visit back east that Pete's girlfriend was able to do something that I truly believe was tremendously helpful to Gina in altering her psychological disengagement with the little creature growing inside her and, despite Gina's protests contrary, began to awaken in her an awareness that this was a tiny being with fingers and toes, intent on growing and eventually emerging sometime around his projected due date of April 7, 2012.

As Bruce and I had approached retirement we had often talked about the possibility of moving out of New Jersey but when Pete was diagnosed those thoughts evaporated. After his death, with grandparenthood on the horizon combined with my increasingly emotional reaction to more and more things that ignited painful memories of Pete's ordeal, those thoughts began to resurface.

The Month of February

It's been almost a year. The closer it gets to February 23rd, the more often come the choking tears. I fight them back because they start at the most inopportune times. Sometimes I know what triggers them, other times they seem to spring unexpectedly.

Bruce and I were driving up the parkway to drop off papers for our tax accountant the other day. Watching the trees, buildings and landmarks that Pete had watched as I drove him along this route to doctor visits, treatments and hospitals filled my mind with wondering what he had been thinking on those many trips, and the tears came, as they are coming now.

I've been packing for our move. There are tools, so many tools, and I'm having trouble trying to figure out how to pack them. Some belonged to my dad, some are mine and some are Pete's. I picked up a pair of pliers. My dad's initials, JT, were deeply scratched into the handle. Then a pair of nose pliers with cushioned handles, part of a set that belonged to Pete. A set of ring pliers that Pete had bought me. Some people cherish a china figurine or a photo. For me, each tool I pick up holds a wealth of memories and using them to build, fix or create is a link to my dad and Pete. At least that's what it feels like to me.

I really haven't worked with any tools for quite some time. I'm packing them up so it will be some time in the future when I'll be able to start again. I'm looking forward to the peace it brings me. Working with those tools is a way for me to communicate with my dad and my son, to feel their presence, to feel their love.

A New Year

It is the evening of the first day of the new year. It has not been a good day for me. I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas with some difficulty, but today? Today was near impossible. My eyes are burning and I've had a headache much of the day, no doubt from crying. I woke with tears in my eyes, and except for a few short periods here and there when I was able to hold it in, I have cried just about the entire day. The time between these kinds of days has grown as the months have passed, but when this kind of day does come...

I miss him terribly every day. I guess it just builds and builds inside of me until I just have to let the flood gates open. Why today? Part of it is because he was still here in 2011. He was still undergoing chemo and radiation this time last year but despite the fact that the future was looking more and more uncertain he was talking about working on his boat and going fishing with his friends.

In August my daughter gave us the news that she was pregnant. The baby, a boy, is due in early April. I'll be going out in March and stay until after the baby is born. I'll come back to NJ and then Bruce and I are planning on moving out to California soon after. I need to be near my daughter. I need to be near my grandchild.