Moving Forward - March 1, 2011

Looking back I guess I knew I had to prepare for Pete's leaving. When we first found that the cancer had metastasised to his lungs we rearranged everything so that Pete would be in the large master bedroom that had the private bath. The past several mornings, as I walk down the hall to the kitchen and pass the doorway to that room, I can feel my heartbeat quicken and my eyes begin to burn. I find myself hoping that when I look in I'll hear my son's cheerful "good morning" that I heard so many times in the past.

I hoped and prayed so feverishly during these past 2 years, but there was always a nagging fear, a dread that I tried so hard to quell, but I could never completely put it out of my mind. The internet is a wonderful and powerful tool. I am so thankful for all the help and support it has provided, but it was the internet that always reignited that horrible premonition that the cancer would win.

I had to go to the Costco pharmacy yesterday evening. They gave me his certificate and pharmacy tech license. I don't even remember if I actually said "thank you" before I ran away because I didn't want to break down there in the middle of the store.

I know that I will get through this, but I also know that I will never be the same. I've lost a part of me and the pain may ease with time but it will never completely heal. Pete did not travel on his journey alone and we became much more than mother and son, but what we were is impossible to describe. I hope that all of you who travelled along with us will now find peace and solace, but also joy and love in having known my son, even if only through my words.

I plan to continue this blog, though I'm not exactly sure where it will go. I know I will be including more "Pete stories", but I will also try to express my own personal experiences, past, present and future, as I learn to cope with this loss. I will not dwell on the negative, though grief and sorrow do have a place and cannot be ignored, but I will make every effort to honor Pete's wish for "everyone to be okay" and try to brighten our days as he was so giftedly able to do.