A New Year

It is the evening of the first day of the new year. It has not been a good day for me. I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas with some difficulty, but today? Today was near impossible. My eyes are burning and I've had a headache much of the day, no doubt from crying. I woke with tears in my eyes, and except for a few short periods here and there when I was able to hold it in, I have cried just about the entire day. The time between these kinds of days has grown as the months have passed, but when this kind of day does come...

I miss him terribly every day. I guess it just builds and builds inside of me until I just have to let the flood gates open. Why today? Part of it is because he was still here in 2011. He was still undergoing chemo and radiation this time last year but despite the fact that the future was looking more and more uncertain he was talking about working on his boat and going fishing with his friends.

In August my daughter gave us the news that she was pregnant. The baby, a boy, is due in early April. I'll be going out in March and stay until after the baby is born. I'll come back to NJ and then Bruce and I are planning on moving out to California soon after. I need to be near my daughter. I need to be near my grandchild.