It is the evening of the first day of the new year. It has not been a good day for me. I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas with some difficulty, but today? Today was near impossible. My eyes are burning and I've had a headache much of the day, no doubt from crying. I woke with tears in my eyes, and except for a few short periods here and there when I was able to hold it in, I have cried just about the entire day. The time between these kinds of days has grown as the months have passed, but when this kind of day does come...
I miss him terribly every day. I guess it just builds and builds inside of me until I just have to let the flood gates open. Why today? Part of it is because he was still here in 2011. He was still undergoing chemo and radiation this time last year but despite the fact that the future was looking more and more uncertain he was talking about working on his boat and going fishing with his friends.
In August my daughter gave us the news that she was pregnant. The baby, a boy, is due in early April. I'll be going out in March and stay until after the baby is born. I'll come back to NJ and then Bruce and I are planning on moving out to California soon after. I need to be near my daughter. I need to be near my grandchild.
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There is no way to say the right thing, is there? I want to say something supposedly comforting (never is...) like "time heals..." etc. I know too well that that is too easy and probably a foolish thing to say.
ReplyDeleteWhen we watch someone we love suffer, and when we simply miss that loved one, there are no real words possible.
Perhaps knowing that people care very much for the legacy of memory left for you by your son, and care as well that you will be welcoming a grandchild, and finding some joy there...I am sure much joy! ... maybe that helps.
You are being thought about, and prayed for. I feel as if, if I may be presumptious enough to say this....for it is a presumption, I think, to try to find any words...but well-meant: I feel as if your dear son IS fishing, and working on his boat!..and sending you much caring from where he is.
God Bless,
Melissa