Feeling Helpless - January 31, 2011

There is a huge difference between having a sick child who is still a child and one who is an adult. One is not better or worse than the other, both can leave a parent feeling totally helpless. The difference is that if the child is a minor, you, as the parent, have some control. You can place a call to the doctor when you feel it is necessary, speak with the doctor directly, and make some decisions. As the parent of an adult child you have virtually no control of a situation. You can make suggestions and recommendations, you can urge, and you can plead but ultimately, your child is an adult and they are the one who has the control.

Pete has been experiencing more frequent and increasingly intense headaches. Yesterday late afternoon one was so bad that it made him nauseous. The rest of the day they would come and go but none so severe, it seemed, as that one.

This morning we drove up to Little Silver for his blood work. On the way there he asked if we could stop at McDonald's after the test as he had a craving for one of their breakfast sandwiches, so on the way home we did just that. His platelet count fell again, but only by a few points, so it seems to be bottoming out. We go to NYU on Wednesday and hopefully by then it will be on the rise.

Since we've been home he's continued to have headaches and they seem to be getting worse. I wanted him to call the doctor but he only says that he'll see them on Wednesday so there's no point in calling today or tomorrow. I feel so frustrated and helpless and seeing him in so much pain is heartrending.

I hate this disease. I hate it with so much passion that there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I would not hesitate, not even for an instant, to decide what I would do to someone if they were causing harm to either of my children.