Today - January 10, 2011

Radiation appointment was for 11 AM and Pete was out of there around half-past. The lobby was pretty busy as it usually is, so we just went up to the 2nd floor where they do the diagnostic imaging. He was scheduled to begin the prep before 2 but they didn't actually call him in until 2:30. Shortly after he went in, I went out for a walk and to grab something for lunch. I wanted to get something for him, too, because I figured he'd be hungry by the time he got out, but since I had no idea when that would be I decided I'd just get a couple of Dunkin' Donuts to tide him over until we got home.

It's a good thing I didn't get a sandwich because he didn't finish up until 5:30, and that would have been too long to have something sitting around that should have been refrigerated.

He wasn't in a very good mood when he came out. One of the first things he said was that he had still had not gotten any details about tomorrow's port operation. I took that to mean he hadn't heard anything at all, so when I started to say something about wondering when they would call, he snapped back that they told him to make sure he brought a lot of money. Not knowing exactly what that meant, I started to ask, but Pete was in no mood to explain other than he had gotten a call to tell him how much it was going to cost, so I changed the subject and started to tell him what kind of donuts I had picked up. He wasn't in the mood for listening, either, so I just stopped talking.

I can't even begin to imagine what's going on in his head, how he feels, what he's thinking. I do know what goes on inside mine, though. Is this just a case of "scanxiety", or did he see the screen while they were doing the scan and see something that upset him? He's been able to see some of the scans in the past, but he wouldn't tell me until after the doctor had given us the results, especially when he thought the report was not good. Is that the case now? Is that why he's in such a foul mood? Or is he just tired and annoyed that they hadn't given him any information about tomorrow's procedure?

We got in the car and before we had gone very far his phone rang. They were finally calling to give him the time, place and instructions. Tomorrow, 10 AM at Tisch Medical Center, where he had the first port removed a few weeks ago. Fasting from midnight. That's all I know because that's all I could get him to tell me.

I couldn't keep it in any longer, so I rehearsed in my mind what I was going to say. It went something like this:

Pete, I know you're annoyed and stressed and upset. This whole thing sucks. But I just want you to understand that I feel like you're taking your frustrations out on me, and I wish you wouldn't. I love you and I'm sorry you're upset. You know that I would do anything to make things better, but I can't.

His response was a barely audible, "I'm sorry. I love you, too." The rest of the ride home was in silence; Pete napped much of the time.

One of the most horrible feelings that haunts me is utter helplessness as I watch him go through all this. It's compounded when he thinks he's shielding or protecting me by not telling me things. What actually is, may be bad enough, but what my mind conjures up can be so much more frightening and emotionally damaging.

We got home a little before 7:30. He went immediately into bed and pulled the blanket over his head. Some of the side effects of both chemo and radiation are fatigue, depression, anger, general malaise, etc., and the effects are cumulative. He's had 17 radiation treatments so far and still has more to go. That means he's well into the midst of these negative side effects. I made a cup of tea for each of us and then I came in to sit at the computer and write this while I sipped my tea.

Tomorrow we go in for the port. Pete said that he'll have to call radiation to see if he can reschedule his treatment for after the procedure or maybe have to put it off until Wednesday. As far as I know, there's no appointment scheduled to go over the PET/CT scan results with the doctor. The weather prediction is for possible heavy snow Tuesday night into Wednesday. Maybe we'll be lucky and it will miss us.