Payback - March 12, 2011

Even before cancer invaded our lives, Pete and I helped each other. It might have been something as droll and domestic as throwing a few items in with the other's laundry; maybe one of us needed an extra hand when building, fixing or just working out a vexing problem. There were times his finances needed a boost when tuition or an unanticipated truck repair was a little more than he could handle. If it was I who was doing the helping he'd always apologize and then tell me that he'd pay me back. I'd laugh and tell him to remember that "payback's a bitch".

During the past two years our conversations often came back to that; times when he was not able to drive, when he was just wiped out by chemo or radiation, or those horrible nights at Hope Lodge when we were unknowingly dealing with pain-med withdrawal. Countless trips driving to and from NY city often prompted those apologies and promises that he would someday take care of me.

I did what I did out of love; there was no indebtedness, no expectation of repayment and he knew that. I miss him terribly, especially when I need that extra hand or someone to look at a problem I'm trying to work out and give me some ideas on how to proceed.

I need to get away for a while. Gina is on a 2-week long spring break starting Monday, so after talking with her this morning and with Bruce's urging, I booked a flight out to CA for a few days. I fly out Thursday morning and return Tuesday. I can't remember the last time I was out there, but I know it's been well over 2 years ago. I've got things under control here as far as I can tell, and the few things left to do can be done over the phone or via the Internet. Bruce will hold down the fort here and I'll get to spend some time with my daughter, whom I'm missing right now just as much as I miss Pete.